you know when all your problems build up and it gets to the point where you’re stressing about how much you have to do that you so much that you can’t even summon the strength to get up from the couch/bed? that’s me now.

1) i should be filling in house applications.

2) i should be cleaning the house for money (as i am broke).

3) i should be cleaning my room, it’s a mess.

4) i should be reading my text book for my summer uni… essay due soon!

5) i should be going for a run because i don’t fit into the dress i want to wear on the weekend.

instead, i am laying here, feeling so overwhelmed that im very upset and almost in tears. the only way so make myself feel better is to bite the bullet and just get this shit done. trust me, i know. but i just cant. i feel so horrible i just cant :(

i wish it would all just go away

one of those days where everything is shit. and the only thing i could think of that could feel right to be, is in his arms.

the first person you love with always be with you i think. even if you dont end up with them - as gay as it sounds- they will forever be somewhere in your heart.

hehe. thomas does this <3

its so shit to see someone you love to much in so much pain. life is so unjust sometimes, it’s this kind of shit that makes me think theres no way there could be a god. surely he wouldnt let this happen.

im glad i dont have a big nose. or ears. or like, relentless achne or fizzy uncontrolable hair or something. the stuff i dont like about my body are chubby arms, thunder thighs and flabby gut. the thing about these things is that it’s totally within my power to change them. it’s my own fault they’re like that…. so theoretically i have the power to be totally happy with my body with just the power of weights, stairs and sit ups. hmmmmm. i should try that.

out for breckie

me: blah blah calories blah blah kilojules blah blah fat blah blah

tom: i liked you better when you weren’t dieting

me: but you’ll have a hot girlriend in the end

tom: why would i want that if i alredy had a perfect one?

… i think he’s a keeper :)

i am going to be a size 10 by new years day.

“What is it in us that seeks the truth? Is it our minds or is it our hearts? I set out to prove a black man could receive a fair trial in the south, that we are all equal in the eyes of the law. That’s not the truth. Cause the eyes of the law are human eyes, yours and mine. And until we can see each other as equals justice is never going to be even handed. It will remain a reflection of our own prejudices. So until that day, we have a duty under God to seek the truth. Not with our eyes not with our minds, in fear or in hate, in commonality or in prejudice… but with our hearts.”

-Jake Brigance (Matthew McConaughey) “A Time to Kill” (1996)

—

And there is it. Hit me fucking hard. It’s been coming for ages but only now have i realised the extent to which i am up shit creek. I have become completely emotionally indipendent on another person. He has exams and has to study but everytime he tries to leave me to go home I cry to make him stay cos i hate the thought of being without him. yep, that much. I am compromising his future because i cant go to sleep without spooning. and i cant help it. thats the worst part, when i crack it at him for hanging out with friends or studing or going out with out me i know how fucking stupid i am being! trust me, i do. yet i cant help it. and now, i am completely attached and its driving me fucking insane. i have lost any kind of indipendence i ever had, my life just seems to rotate around him. i was never like this. i would look at a girl doing this and think she was a fucking idiot and think about how much of a cool girlfriend i would be. i cry. like, so much. i never ever used to cry this much! my parents have split up more times than i can count but the most ive ever cried is over the pettiest shit and because of a boy!!! fuck. you have NO IDEA how much i hate it too. the only solution i see is to break up with him and force myself to be my own person. but you dont have to be a rocket scientist to know theres no way in fucking hell i would do that. my psych book recons i have a anxious style of attachment check this out.

 ” Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner’s love (“do you really love me?”). Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. These adults are obsessed with their relationships and everything that happens in them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn’t care about them.”

apparently is can be cured by a really really loving, long term parter who loves you lots and proves you wrong. and well, heres the thing. even though he needs to study, thomas never leaves my side if im upset. so he stays every time. he’s a good guy. i hope i havent fucked up his exams (meaning he cant get into the course he’s hoping for). and i also hope he fixes me, because im getting out of control and starting to hate myself.