And there is it. Hit me fucking hard. It’s been coming for ages but only now have i realised the extent to which i am up shit creek. I have become completely emotionally indipendent on another person. He has exams and has to study but everytime he tries to leave me to go home I cry to make him stay cos i hate the thought of being without him. yep, that much. I am compromising his future because i cant go to sleep without spooning. and i cant help it. thats the worst part, when i crack it at him for hanging out with friends or studing or going out with out me i know how fucking stupid i am being! trust me, i do. yet i cant help it. and now, i am completely attached and its driving me fucking insane. i have lost any kind of indipendence i ever had, my life just seems to rotate around him. i was never like this. i would look at a girl doing this and think she was a fucking idiot and think about how much of a cool girlfriend i would be. i cry. like, so much. i never ever used to cry this much! my parents have split up more times than i can count but the most ive ever cried is over the pettiest shit and because of a boy!!! fuck. you have NO IDEA how much i hate it too. the only solution i see is to break up with him and force myself to be my own person. but you dont have to be a rocket scientist to know theres no way in fucking hell i would do that. my psych book recons i have a anxious style of attachment check this out.

 ” Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner’s love (“do you really love me?”). Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. These adults are obsessed with their relationships and everything that happens in them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn’t care about them.”

apparently is can be cured by a really really loving, long term parter who loves you lots and proves you wrong. and well, heres the thing. even though he needs to study, thomas never leaves my side if im upset. so he stays every time. he’s a good guy. i hope i havent fucked up his exams (meaning he cant get into the course he’s hoping for). and i also hope he fixes me, because im getting out of control and starting to hate myself.